Quotations can be thought-provoking. Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Sarah Palin, The Dalai Lama, Einstein, Jesus, Papa Smurf, Helen Keller, Winston Churchill, Lady Gaga, Socrates, Oprah—they’ve all delivered nuggets of wisdom. Don’t think of it as plagiarism. Remember that Charles Caleb Colton said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”
Don’t be afraid to express some enthusiasm by sprinkling in an exclamation point (or three).
Shake things up by telling a dirty little secret about yourself. Maybe you:
- steal silverware from restaurants;
- had a one-night stand with your best friend’s mom;
- like white wine spritzers;
- downloaded Carly Simon’s Greatest Hits;
- ate shrooms before your stepdad’s funeral;
- don’t believe in recycling;
- overlooked paying your taxes in the mid-90s;
- got a tattoo of Bob Marley that looks more like the guy who works in the cubicle next to yours.
Whenever possible, refer to yourself in the third person, and by all means, embrace your omniscience.
Nostalgia rules. Tell people:
- how your heart bleeds for your alma mater;
- how you loved your grandfather who put salt in his Budweiser and let you fishtail his pickup years before you had your license;
- how lilacs remind you of spring in Michigan.
Keep The Good Book handy. Bible verses will do in a pinch.
Song lyrics will make you look hip. It doesn’t matter if you’re a closet admirer of Garth Brooks— “‘Cause I’ve got friends in low places where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away”—or Lil’ Wayne—“I’m a cash money millionaire look at my Rolie girl. Drop to your knees top ya hair, ah ah slow me girl.”
R.I.P. FILL IN THE BLANK. Give a shout out to someone no longer among the living.
When in doubt, post random numbers. While the first digit that pops into your head will suffice, posting the sign of the devil or your ex’s phone number is sure to raise eyebrows.
Lay the sarcasm on thick as buttercream frosting. E.g., Amie Heasley
- has learned about humility from watching America’s Next Top Model.
- ’s voodoo doll has an abnormal tolerance for pain.
- is a frontrunner for the Nobel Prize in Physics.
- has biceps of steel from doing Buns of Steel.
- doesn’t fear humiliation, white supremicists, death, cockroaches, brain tumors, headcheese, failure, tornadoes, plane crashes or everyday clichés.
- is The Greatest Ever.
Mundane doesn’t have to be synonymous with ho-hum. Devouring a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich can be worth sharing, particularly if one is allergic to peanut butter or the jelly is petroleum.
If you must throw a pity party, do it in private. Now is the time to pull out that Thesuarus and show off newer, bolder ways to smile with your words.