Thursday, February 23, 2012

Adoptive Lochia (Honestly, I’m a little ashamed of this title, but somehow, I couldn’t resist its power.)

I told (all two of) you it would be hard for me to update this blog on a regular basis. Just as I told (all two of) you “A Good Nipple is Hard to Find.” 
Well, loyal fans, you can be thankful I’m back in the diaper again, and I hope, if nothing else, this latest post leaves you smelling like Eau de Desitin. Now that I’ve lost (all two of) you, I’ll rattle-rattle-rattle all the way back to the point. (Holy sh#t, I mean, holy poop, these baby jokes are awful.) 
Any-who ... I spent the better part of today writing copy for new moms. You know, spinning lies about how a woman’s nether-regions will totally snap right back into shape after childbirth. You’re right, that’s not fair (but it’s at least 69% funny). I’ve never given birth, and there’s a decent chance I’m never going to give birth (at least not in this lifetime). I’m okay with that. Actually, I’m happy with that. I no longer ache for pregnancy and childbirth. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I’m a parent now. Or the fact that you probably shouldn’t make a prenatal smoothie with gin and tonic. 
While I don’t deny that pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful miracles, plenty of what happens as a result of these beautiful miracles isn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows. Without further annoying the sh#t (sh#t, I mean poop) out of mothers who have given birth, let me just say: "It sucks to be you!" I mean, you rock the house. Seriously, you squeezed something that big from your loins, and afterwards, may have had the pleasure of experiencing lochia or hemorrhoids or constipation or all three at once (while caring for a newborn). 
Before you start tossing breast shields at me (I don’t have to wear those either), take it easy. I’ve had my fair share of pregnancy and postpartum irritations, too. When I have to actually answer questions like ... “... blah, blah, blah ... and you and your husband are thrilled to have Ava as part of your family, yes or no?” that’s my lochia or my hemorrhoids or my constipation. When you adopt, you’re asked a boatload of inane questions. In fact, you are questioned about everything. Without making generalizations, okay, with making a huge generalization, parents who give birth aren’t asked a whole lot. They don’t have to get fingerprinted or background checked. They aren’t given psych evaluations or required to produce letters of recommendation. 
They “Just Do It.”  
And of course, Ava has her own love seat. 
So you see, whether parents become parents in the back seat of a Chevette or in a courtroom, each of us has incredible ups and downs to endure. Fear not though. These incredible ups and downs are only permanent.

PS. Ava is 4-months-old now. She is most definitely part of our family (and we are thrilled about it). The legal blah, blah, blah is proceeding normally. Cross whatever you can for us.